Ep. 13: Carmen "Already Won" Carnage | Boundaries, Joy & Believing in Brighter Days

In this episode, Sara reconnects with an old college friend, Carmen Carnage, a former social worker, for a heartfelt conversation about gratitude, boundaries, and choosing to see the light — even in life's hardest seasons.

Carmen opens up about caring for a parent through illness, catching her own early signs of caregiver burnout, and the "car window" metaphor she learned in therapy for protecting her energy — because not everyone deserves 100% of you. She shares her daily gratitude practice (including the moment she started thanking God just to be able to pay her bills, and the surprising shifts that followed), her morning ritual of waking up and declaring herself "already a winner," and why building a real support system carried her through.

This is a conversation about breaking negative cycles, leaning on community, and finding brighter days on purpose.

In this episode:

• Caring for a parent through illness — and holding onto gratitude
• The "car window" trick for setting boundaries without guilt
• Recognizing caregiver burnout before it takes over
• A gratitude practice that actually shifts your reality
• Building a support system as an adult
• Why joy — not happiness — is the real goal

Carmen's IG: @thecarmencarnage

 Follow BrighterDaze with Sara on Facebook, Instagram & TikTok @BrighterDazePodcast, or email ask4brighterdaze@gmail.com to share your own brighter days. 

Transcript

Sara D. 0:13

Welcome to BrighterDaze with Sara. This is a space where we get lost in gratitude instead of drowning in despair. I'm your host, Sara Dorris, and here we talk to people. We celebrate the victories and we talk about resilience, gratitude, and daily life motivators. And today, you all, it's a throwback from back in the day. I'm talking to somebody who I met when I was first getting into college back in the day. Her name is Carmen Carnage. And I don't know, she's just I remember meeting her in our religion class and being like, I don't know, she seems so like edgy, so cool, so like so many ideas that are just specifically hers and true to herself. So when I saw her on Insta or on Facebook, I was like, oh yeah, let me let me let me check this out. Maybe she'll be interested. And she was, and I'm so excited, so welcome. Thank you so much for talking to me.

Carmen Carnage 1:05

Super happy to be here. It's good to talk to you.

Sara D. 1:07

Yeah, girl. Yeah, girl, we finna have a good time.

Carmen Carnage 1:13

It'll be like our old days.

Sara D. 1:15

Right, it will be sitting next to each other in class, like uh yeah. But how are you doing today?

Carmen Carnage 1:25

I am doing great. I literally just came back from a little vacation. I went to Memphis to see like family and friends and things like that. So I'm doing pretty. I'm in a good space. I'm in a good space.

Sara D. 1:39

How are you? So it's always a nice high coming off a trip, boy.

Carmen Carnage 1:42

Yeah, yeah, and good food, yeah. All of it, all the good stuff, all the good stuff. It was just hot,

Sara D. 1:50

Hotter than than Florida?

Carmen Carnage 1:53

It was hot and muggy because it rained. Oh, so it was a little sticky, but you know what? We powered through it, we made it work.

Sara D. 2:00

Yeah, that's great. I mean, I've been working. No, so no vacation. Yeah, yeah, one's coming up.

Carmen Carnage 2:12

Come on now, we love a good vacation.

Sara D. 2:15

Yeah, it makes everything feel so much better. I feel like I don't know. Like in life right now, everything is just... things may not be perfect, but I feel as if I can see a I guess like a brighter daze, like a brighter, a brighter moment in everything, a brighter ending or a brighter transition to a brighter stage or something in everything. So I'm just very hopeful right now.

Carmen Carnage 2:42

And you have to be, I think it's all in the mindset, right? Because, like you said, everything is not perfect, but never, never will everything be perfect, you know what I mean? And if you focus on things not being perfect or just being so uh complicated, then you get anchored down like that when you should really focus on that silver lining or that brighter day, because the more brighter days you see, the more brighter days you get. And I know that sounds bizarre, but trust me, it works.

Sara D. 3:19

But question, how are you doing right now? Like, what's your what's what what season of life do you feel like you're in right now?

Carmen Carnage 3:27

So I this year has been a little complicated in a sense of I do have a lot of different like family drama going on. I have a couple of six sick relatives and things like that. So it's been hard trying to juggle that with you know your day-to-day, but it's also interesting because going through this period right now helps me see, um, I guess helps me understand myself a little better too. I typically have known that I've been a pretty resilient person, but only when it comes to stuff dealing with me. I didn't realize how strong I can also be for other people when they're going through their things. So this year has been a really interesting year because it's showing me how I can use my strengths to help others kind of breathe and relax and not have to do it all on their own. Does that make sense? Like I'm learning that my super power, so to speak, is to be an anchor for others, at least in this season of my life. Not all the time. I don't want to burn out, but yeah.

Sara D. 4:43

Yeah, I'm not a caretaker for anyone, but I definitely can relate to having sick family members and yeah, trying to be like supportive and manage that while they're struggling. How do you manage? What are your tools?

Carmen Carnage 4:57

Well, listen, I had to learn as I go because I did, I am very guilty of going full steam ahead all the time. But what I had to learn is it's a delicate balance of showing up for others, but also knowing when you need to take time for yourself. So I'm a pretty structured person. I just start building that in. So Saturdays, that's that's Carmen's day. I can show up for others Sunday through Friday, but Saturday, whatever I want to do, whether it's get my nails done or go meet with friends or just rest all day, whatever it is, I carve out Saturday for me. Now, it's a little bit easier for me because I don't have children. So I can kind of take that full day, but it's just important to give back to yourself because if not, what I've learned, I can't speak for everybody, but what I've learned for myself is when I try to give, give, give, give, give without taking a minute to just kind of rest and replenish, it starts to turn into a little bit of resentment for the people that I actually want to help. And when I took a step back and realized that, you know, it didn't make me feel good because I don't want to be upset at the people that I'm also trying to help. But I learned that it was me overwhelming myself because again, I want to help, but I was trying to help sunup, sundown every day of the week. And it's like, no, girl, help yourself. Take time for yourself, do something that you enjoy. I love food, so I'm not gonna lie. Most of my Saturdays consist of me eating brunch, lunch, dinner, snack with people that I care about, um, people that I know I'm gonna laugh with and have a good time because uh you have to. I think laughter is super important. So my Saturdays, I do a little bit of self-care like physically, and then I do a lot of bit of self-care internally, just laughing. Maybe I'll watch a good show, or like I said, nine times out of ten, I'm eating with friends that just eat and giggle and talk about things that don't really matter but are hilarious to talk about, and just give that back to me so then I can recharge for Sunday when I do hit the ground running again.

Sara D. 7:13

There's a constant theme of caregivers, or at least from what I've seen, there's a constant theme with caregivers where they do get to that point, like you said, where you can start to resent the person you're taking care of. So was your solution to that to create those Saturdays, or was there something extra that you had to do to work through that?

Carmen Carnage 7:33

I'll be honest, when I started feeling the buildup, it reminded me of when I was, I used to be a social worker, and it reminded me of the very early stages of burnout back then. Except back then, you know, you need your checks. So you show up to work regardless, and then you end up making yourself burnout. In this situation, once I felt those beginning stages of just, you know, it it starts with simple things. Oh, I don't want to get up. Oh, I don't, I don't want to. It's very simple. And then sometimes you just feel like, oh, maybe it's a bad day, and then it just keeps happening a little bit. When that started to happen, I took a minute and just sat myself and I asked myself, am I frustrated at what I'm doing? Am I just exhausted? Is this something that I can no longer do anymore? And the answer was it was something I still wanted to do. I just was getting a little bit overwhelmed and exhausted. And I think what happens with caregivers or even people in that kind of role, like social workers, we get so caught up in trying to do what we think is the right thing that we neglect ourselves. I mean, even go as so far as to neglect our own families. And it's important that when you feel that you're getting weighed down or heavy, that you literally just take a step back and do a couple things. If you can't do your own inventory and you can find a therapist or a life coach or a friend that's willing to think tank with you, that's super important because people on the outside can see things that you can't see because you're kind of trapped in that box, you know. So I lean on my therapist. When things are getting really overwhelming for me, I take the step back and then I immediately schedule an appointment with my therapist to say, girl, help me. You help me look at this and see what is really going on. I know I'm frustrated, but I know I still want to do this. So help me connect those dots. And nine times out of ten, it's it's literally me just trying to save everyone's day and neglect my own day. So working with therapist, I learned to, she gave me a really good metaphor and I'm gonna butcher it. But she gave me this metaphor about a car window. She said, you know, when you are driving and you see someone you know, you might roll your window all the way down to talk and be social. But if it's someone you don't really know, you might roll it down halfway, like talk a little bit, but I don't really want to talk to you like that. And if it's someone you don't know, you might keep it all the way up and wave from the window. And she used it as a metaphor for my energy. She's like, you give, you give, you give, you give, but you're giving 100% to everybody you meet. Not everybody deserves a hundred percent. So we use the window metaphor to just basically say when you're giving to others, whomever it may be, where do you need to do it? Do you need to give a hundred percent of your window down? Is it 50% of your window down? Is it somewhere, you know, in between? And that has been helpful because with some of my family, because it's a few family members that are giving me a little grief right now, um, with some of them, yeah, they're gonna get more effort from me. Like my dad is sick, so my dad gets more effort from me hands down, but I also have like a cousin that's sick, and I show up when I can, but I cannot give all of my energy to everyone all the time. Um, so that's the main tool that I use is just one, my therapist, and using that analogy, like almost like an assessment. What energy do I have today? And who can I give 80% of my energy to? Who can I give 20% of my, you know, that kind of thing? Because energy is very finite. And I think caregivers forget that. I think when you're in a caregiving role, you just give until you can't give any more, but it's the can't give anymore that can sometimes put you at a point of no return where the burnout is just unruly, and um it's it's hard, it's hard because when you're in it, again, when you want to be as helpful as you can be, you really do neglect yourself. So the name of the game, and everybody says it like the oxygen mask, right? The name of the game is making sure you take care of yourself in tandem with showing up for others. You cannot show up for others if you do not also show up for yourself, it it just ends up being a weird cycle.

Sara D. 12:05

Yeah, I love that metaphor you're there, or it was a simile metaphor. I don't know, girl. It was a metaphor for a lot of people.

Carmen Carnage 12:13

Oh yes, yes, it's a good one. When she taught me that, I mean, I didn't even think of it like that. She's like, You you know, you give so much of yourself to everybody. I'm like, Yeah, because you're supposed to. She's like, You're not supposed to. She's like, if you can, that's great, but then look at where you are now. Because this wasn't this year, but this was last year. I was drained, girl. I was showing up for work, I was showing up for friends, I was showing up for so many people. And you know, I was getting overwhelmed, but I've always been in a position where nobody can tell what I'm going through on the inside because I keep my outside pretty well maintained, right? So my inside, I could be screaming, on the outside, I'm laughing, I'm joking, I'm showing up, I look like I'm well rested. So people didn't understand that inside. I was really struggling with showing up for others all the time. I was, I just felt like I was very spread thin. So I worked with my therapist to again take that step back. And then we did stuff like um, and I'm just a simple person, thankfully, because we went through like an inventory of what are things that you like to do. And I'm like, I like to laugh, I like to see the people I care about, and I like to eat. And she's like, Oh, well, go out to eat with your friends. You know, it just became very simple. Um, but to that point, it's important to find out the things that you like to do that just give you that energy and that joy back. A lot of times when I talk to other people, I recommend that they look into things that they used to do as a kid, you know, the whole inner child thing. But look at activities you love to do as a kid. Did you like to color? Have you tried to color as an adult? Do you still like coloring? Did you like to go outside and play? Have you gone? Have you gardened? Have you taken a walk on a nature trail? Look back at the things you like to do when you were like elementary age and see if those things still bring you joy. And if they do, that's a great starting spot for me. Uh and this is gonna sound so silly, but like I love bubbles. So I have like a jar of bubbles pretty much everywhere I go because if I get a moment, because you know how some people leave and take smoke breaks, I'll go and like blow bubbles laugh, and then once you have the giggles, you can kind of recharge and go about your day. Um, it's just it's and I'm sorry for rambling, but it's important to when you take care of yourself, find something that gives you joy, not happiness, because the breakdown of happiness is like happy stance, so that's very like temporary and fleeting. But find something that gives you that genuine joy that just warms your soul when you do it, and when you find that thing, and it can be as simple as again blowing bubbles, but when you find that thing, you try to incorporate that into your days as best as you can, and that helps.

Sara D. 15:17

That's so unique. Like people are going for smoke breaks, and you're going for your bubble break, and just like that is so funny because I even think that could help somebody stop smoking potentially because it's like a habit, like you know, it's just something you're doing with your mouth, you have that moment to be outside too. It's just I guess it'll be triggering if someone was smoking next to you.

Carmen Carnage 15:40

But well, I was gonna say, you gotta stay away from smokers. I got asthma, so I can't be with the smokers per se, but it does help. And I don't know, for me, like I said, just seeing it, it makes me think of you know, playing on the playground or something, and it just warms me up a little bit, just enough to go about. And then I do. I always laugh at myself if I think I'm being ridiculous or like childish or silly. It just it's a good reset, I promise. It's a good reset. Or even another thing that I can think of is if there's a song you love that just puts you in a groovy mood, I'll do that. Like I'll sign one of those songs, put the song on play, dance a little bit, shake up either the monotony or the frustration or whatever it is, and then go back into whatever mode I have to be in, whether it's work or taking care of people or you know, whatever, whatever the seriousness is, I'll take a break and shimmy a little bit and then get back to it.

Sara D. 16:37

Something else I like that you said was about how the root of happiness was happenstance. So you look for joy. That is a whole line. Like, oh my gosh, because I don't know, I feel like I'm drawing a connection to this and something else that you just said, but that childlike joy that you have when you do those things that you did in your childhood, that is oh, I lost my thought. But that childlike joy that you had when you were a kid and you were doing those things, it is the purest form of joy, and it also I don't know, like having that childlike wonder in life is what helps people maintain happiness, and it's hard to keep it sometimes because there's so many dark things, but if you can learn to cut that off and navigate how you need to navigate to still hold that joy, girl you're unstoppable.

Carmen Carnage 17:28

And it's almost like a flip switch, right? If you can train yourself to in the midst of again frustration or something, if you can find something simple enough before bubbles, it was watching birds dance, like you know, on reels. You yeah, people train their birds to like dance and beatbox and all kinds of things. And for some reason, anytime I see those videos, I just start smiling. And you know, we're always scrolling on the phone. So even if it's something as simple as that, it's like the moment you feel yourself getting kind of overwhelmed, just bring up that really simple thing that gives you that joy. And I promise, if you can train yourself to do it, those bad days turn into bad minutes. This happened, you were upset for a couple minutes, you look at your bird dancing video, and then you giggle, and you can kind of move forward because what that does is it helps you kind of take that pause that's needed before you react. You know, sometimes something frustrating happens and then you react right away and you make a bad situation worse. But if you can train yourself to, ah, this was frustrating, but you know what? I'm gonna take a walk, or you know what, I'm gonna look at my bird dancing video, or you know what, I'm gonna go on my bubble break. By the time you get back to the thing, it's not as frustrating. I will never say it won't be frustrating. It might still be frustrating, but not as bad because you literally took that pause to kind of calm down your nervous system, find something that makes you have that twinkle in your eye, and then just keep moving. And I think I I've never heard anybody say this. I've actually never said this until just now, but joy plays a role in resiliency. I believe that because if you can find ways to find that joy over even the little things, those massive things become more palatable to get through because you have like your coping mechanism, which is again, it can be as silly as just wiggling for a little bit, but you find it, you do it, and then you can tackle those problems a little a little bit better.

Sara D. 19:39

So question.

Carmen Carnage 19:41

Okay, it's okay, so question it's okay, no judgment.

Sara D. 19:47

Right. Let's say you're somebody, and this is from personal experience. Let's say you're somebody who when you get in a mood, yeah, you can you can apply the tools, but maybe like you're struggling and you you're just not able to break out. Like, you know, you watch that funny movie that makes you laugh, and your deadpan face just staring at the screen. Is your suggestion to get over that just find something else? Or i don't know.

Carmen Carnage 20:17

What I would recommend, and it's a good question because sometimes we get so deep into it that we don't even realize that we're into it. But my suggestion for that is maybe find something new, maybe find another hobby, maybe experiment. You say you put on a funny movie, but how funny was it if you still have one your deadpan face? Maybe you need to find another genre, maybe that's just not your genre of comedy anymore, or maybe you do need to get outside and soak up some sun, or maybe you need to have and forgive what I'm calling it, but I do have friends that I call this. I have like accountability buddies. I have friends that do not take life super seriously. And when I'm in a mood, I text them and say, I'm in a mood, and then they call with something ridiculous, or maybe they'll say, Hey, do you need to talk about it? What's really going on? Because you know, sometimes we can get very overwhelmed with our depression, or very overwhelmed with just being in a mood. And sometimes we have to feel our feelings fully to get through it, too. There's nothing wrong with having a gloomy day. When it becomes an issue is when that gloomy day turns into gloomy weeks, turns into gloomy months, turns into gloomy years. I think in that example that you gave, there's nothing wrong with reaching out to a friend, a family member, if you have your therapist, your therapist, and just saying, Hey, I need I need you to help me get through this right now. And that doesn't mean that they're gonna do heavy lifting again. They can sit and just say, Sarah, oh my god, we're gonna go to the mall, or oh my god, we're gonna go whatever, get something to eat, and then they can say something ridiculous to you or whatever. But some Sometimes I think it's helpful to have at least one person in your corner that understands. What I used to do with my friends before I start calling them accountability buddies is I would literally just say, I don't feel good. And that's how they knew it was a mental thing. Because if I'm sick, I'm telling them I have a flu, I have this, I have that. But if they text me, I say, I don't know, I just don't feel good. They knew that it was, I was stuck in my brain. I was trapped in like a loop of just negative thinking. And thankfully, I had friends that would come and just try to help me get out of it. And if you're not as blessed to have friends that can do it right now, that can come in person, I recommend finding different like social groups online. You know, they have meetup groups or different hobby groups on Facebook and things like that, because then you start meeting people that can help you find the things that bring you joy or just give you a shoulder to lean on, or any of those things, because as much as we want to feel like we can do it all by ourselves sometimes, it's not true. We're we're community people. I used to consider myself to be very antisocial, but I am sitting here and telling you you have to have community with community. That's how those things get better. And it's not easy, especially if you're a little seasoned like we are. It's not easy finding new friends, but it's worth it finding new friends because you know you might have different interests now or you might, you know, be a little bit seasoned in the hobbies that you like to do or whatever. But if you find people with like minds or like interests, then they can help shield around you and and I don't want to say pull you out of a dark space because you gotta want to get out of it yourself, but they can be there with their hand waiting when you're ready. You know what I mean?

Sara D. 23:55

Yes. Um I think it's funny to hear you say, you know, I used to be antisocial because I think when we met, you were kind of not like a bad thing, like against me or anything, but just in general, you were like, I don't like people.

Carmen Carnage 24:10

Yeah, I don't I would self-identify as very like antisocial. I just had a small group of people that I really could tolerate, but through my life, personal experiences and even professional, when I worked in social work, community is so important. Having that support system is so important because it literally can help you come from very dark. So when I was in social work, I used to work in child welfare. So I'm telling you, the difference between a parent losing access to their child and getting their child back, 80% of the time depended on their support system. Did they have a support system coming around them and pouring into them to help them get through this patch? If they did, you pretty much had a success rate. If they did not, you were struggling because you became their only source of support, and you as one person can only do so much. And I use that just to say I that was when it opened my eyes to Carmen, do you have a support system? Who helps you when you are down and out? You know, and then I start building it. I had to build it kind of brick by brick. I had to build my support system because it it can it can save your life. It really can. And when you build that support system, because you can find like minds that are negative if you're negative, that's not the support system you need. You need people that want to see you do better, that want to see you successful, that want to see you have joy, that want to encourage and motivate you in those positive directions because it's it's almost like gravity, right? Negative moods can bring you down very quick. Those those positive vibrations take a little bit longer to help you float up. So you need that support system that's not just, oh yeah, girl, I hate people too. No, no, no, no, no. You need somebody to say, oh, but something silly. Oh, I hate people, oh, but you're so good in a social setting, or oh, but we love to see you smile, or oh, but you look great when you wear yellow, or you know, those happy things, right? You need people that push you in that direction and not push you in a pushy way, but again, encourage and it motivate you to, okay, I have a friend. This was in my like super anti-social mood time, I guess, era. She would say, Okay, you don't have to be around a lot of people, but could you at least go outside and and be in the sun? And it's like, yeah, I guess I can go outside and be in the sun. The next thing you know, I'm going to the park. The next thing you know, I'm doing like outside activities. Cause she would say, Stop being locked up in the house, at least go outside and look at bird, right? You know, do that, and then you know, check in, and then you start building those good habits. It can start with something very simple, but that support system is is crucial. So, again, I know I said a lot, but to go back to your question, if you're watching that movie and you have your dead pan face, maybe that movie isn't the movie for you anymore, and maybe you should reach out to a friend and just say, I'm not really feeling good today. Can we do something? Can we hang out? Or you know, call a relative or whoever, whoever you have that's in your corner and say, I'm not really feeling well today, can we do something to kind of shape this up? And if they can, great, if they can't, you know, they're human. Not everybody's gonna be fully accessible to you. But I think I think sometimes we have a hard time asking for help or asking for that support. And we need to get rid of that stigma or assumption that it makes you seem weaker to do it. There's strength in acknowledging when you're at a low point and that you need the help. There that there's a strength in that, it is not a weakness or it's not anything that people should look at you funny about because what it shows is you have enough wherewithal to say something's not right and I need to fix it, but I know I cannot do it alone. And I wish that we, I mean, you know, not to make it super crazy, but especially like as a black woman, you're taught you have to be strong, you have to be strong here. You have to, you have to. Nobody's strong a hundred percent of the time. And there is there is intelligence, emotional intelligence, and sitting and saying, I just can't do it right now, and I need help to get me out of this slump. And I wish we we taught that more. I wish we preached that more.

Sara D. 29:11

I feel I've mentioned this book several times. Uh it's called The Soul of Shame. Oh, I've never heard of it. Oh, okay, great. It's this book where they talk about pretty much they talk about how people feel shame because they're scared to be vulnerable, or they're scared to be vulnerable because they're ashamed of what other people's reactions will be to it, pretty much. And it's exactly what you're talking about about how we need a society of people that are willing to let people be open and vulnerable to share these things because we're all feeling the same things. It's just no one wants to speak up about it, or when someone does, you want to shame them.

Carmen Carnage 29:48

And it's so important because you know, I found that as soon as you open that door, people let their guards down, and then you do find out you're not alone. You're not alone. Plenty of people have gone through similar feelings, maybe not the same experience, but similar. And I just we have to, and hopefully, you know, you're doing your part with your podcast. Like hopefully, we spread the word more to say, hey, it's it's okay to not be okay, or it's okay to ask for help, or it's okay to be vulnerable. I now I went from being antisocial to being a completely open book. If somebody asks me the question, I don't know if they want to hear the answer, but I give it because it shows that you can be genuine, you can be authentic, you can bring up your vulnerabilities, and guess what? The world doesn't crumble because you're being vulnerable today. The world doesn't end. Even if you you find that the person you share your vulnerability with, if they take that and misconstrue it or flip it in a negative way, you know what you've learned, this is not your person. There's still a lesson in that, too. You know what I mean? And mindset is important. If you start looking at things in that way, of just kind of shifting gears, like like I just said, if somebody's talking to you and you have been open and vulnerable and transparent and they took it and used it against you, instead of dwelling in that use against you, but taking it as a lesson of ah, this person's not for me, that helps too. Because then you start building yourself back up and not armor in a sense of antisocial or just so tough, but you build yourself in a way where now you're confident to say, tell somebody something vulnerable about me. If they're really for me, they'll stick around. And if they're not, somebody who's for me will come around. We'll make space for them by getting rid of the people who do not understand where I'm coming from or want to make me feel bad. Because if somebody I listen, essentially, if somebody wants to make you feel bad for being vulnerable, or if somebody doesn't want to give you grace because you're having a rough patch, you do need to reconsider that connection because perhaps you've outgrown that connection. Maybe it was good for one season, but it's not good for this season, and that's okay too. I think I guess the name of the game is acceptance, vulnerability, um, just trying to unlearn certain behaviors. I think we really did ourselves, societally speaking, I think we did ourselves a disservice trying to make it seem like you have to do it all on your own and that you have to be as strong as possible doing it. I think we have created a culture where now it's taken us a while to kind of undo and unlearn those things because the true key to success is really openness and community. It really is. And if you can find that community where you can be open, you can kind of power through or get over some of those humps because obstacles are gonna come. Bad moments are gonna that's another thing. I try not to say bad days anymore. I try to say I just had a bad couple of minutes and not a bad day. It matters, it matters, I promise, I promise. It's like when you look at your day and you're like, oh, it was just a bad 15 minutes instead of a bad day, it that helps too. But I think um, you know, as you move forward and you learn to be open about what you're going through and you learn to lean on those connections that you've made, those positive connections that you made, you can weather a lot of storms to the point that when you get through them, you don't even realize how bad of a storm they were anymore. It's just one bite at a time, one step at a time. And I guess that to bring it back full circle is how I can show up for other people. Now I have the tools as far as self-care and as far as my little community and even my therapist that help me be the version of me that I need to be to help others.

Sara D. 34:07

I'm hearing you say all of these things that helped you become the person that you are, and when I hear it, I hear an underlying tone of gratitude. Would you say that's fair?

Carmen Carnage 34:19

I will say it's a hundred percent fair. And one of the biggest things that I learned. So a couple years back during COVID, I went through a rough patch where I actually changed careers. I stopped doing social work because it was COVID, and you know, they wanted us to do things virtually, but it's really hard to make sure like families are doing what they need to do on video, you know. So a whole bunch of things transpired, and I end up changing and and doing more like I guess you can call it compliance work. Um, that was rough for me because my passion was in social work, whether it burnt me out or not, my passion was in literally getting into there and helping. So when I switched from jobs, I was miserable and I was ungrateful. So every day was a bad day. Every day was a gloomy day. But then I started changing the mindset of, well, how blessed am I that I still have a job? Or how how grateful am I that I'm able to pay my bills still? Or, you know, how wonderful is it that you're still able to help others just in a different way? You know, you start doing that, and then guess what? Different doors open. The sun seems to be a little brighter. It's really weird how it works, but once you shift and you, I mean, even listen, if I get a parking spot closer than I thought, I sit and I'm like, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Because it's something about just being so grateful and so open and so just inviting that more of that positivity comes in. When I meet a person, I try to now, and my friends think it's funny because now I try to. If somebody smiles and I think they have a beautiful smile, I tell them they have a beautiful smile because it does a couple things. One, it helps them smile more. It's awesome, but then also it's like I'm showing appreciation and gratitude for that smile. So now I end up seeing more people smile. Like it's just weird how it works. But the moment, the moment that you again almost train your brain to look for that positive, that positivity and be great, legitimately grateful for it, things open up that you never thought they would. Like, here's a weird one, and just walk with me here. I started to be grateful to pay my bills. Pay day. Yeah, listen, here I used to go from being like, oh my god, I gotta pay these bills, whatever, to literally saying, How much of a blessing is it that I can pay my bills? My check is here, I'm paying my bills, I don't have to worry about borrowing money from anybody or anything. How grateful am I? Do you know I started having extra money in the bank and could not figure out how? Not a lot, but like say you do your bills and then it's like I got $50 left over. How did I have $50 left over? And then it just started taking off. Like then you get a random check in the mail from I don't know, they found money in somebody's shoe that belongs to you. You know, just weird stuff started happening. Sara, I kid you not. It happened like a month after I said, you know what, from now on, I'm just gonna say I'm grateful that I'm paying these bills, whatever. And you kind of fake the funk, right? Like you say it, but you may not feel it for the first few rounds, right? You're just saying it. But then once you really get into the groove, you're like, you know what? No, I am happy that I can pay these bills. I am happy that I don't have to ask anybody to do that. I am happy that I have a roof over my head. I am happy that I have food in my mouth. And then it's just like, oh, it's like, however, you want to word it, the floodgates open up, like, oh, you like that? Well, let's show you some more stuff. Oh, yeah, that makes you happy. We'll show you some more of this. Or, oh yeah, you like when people smile, we'll give you more people smiling. It's something about just being grateful that just changes your energy. Because even that, when I stopped being grumpy about different things and just being more open, then more people started gravitating towards me, but positive people, not negative people. You know, it just it's a domino effect, but in the best way possible. In the best way possible. If you can just start being grateful for the smallest things, I mean, some people say, like, you know, you open your eyes and just be like, oh my god, I'm so grateful I opened my eyes. You could do that, you could do anything. Oh, I'm so grateful for this cup of coffee, whatever it is. What I start doing when I wake up now, and this is gonna sound so terrible. You might have to cut this part out. I don't know. When I wake up, I tell myself that I'm so grateful that I'm a winner. I'm like, every day I wake up, I'm a winner, I'm victorious, and I'm so grateful to be such a winner. And guess what? I feel like I've been winning in life ever since.

Sara D. 39:13

Why would I cut that out? That is amazing. I want to start doing it.

Carmen Carnage 39:18

I've listened please, please try it. Test it out, test it out. 21 days. Give yourself 21 days. You open your eyes and you give yourself a pep talk. You tell yourself every day you wake up, you've already won. You have. You woke up, you've already won. Tell yourself you've already won. Give yourself whatever version of your pep talk of being a victor is, and watch those bad minutes are so minute in your day. You stumped your toe, who cares? You're already won. You're a winner. That doesn't matter. Keep moving, and I promise you, it's it changes so much. We're being grateful to pay those bills and calling yourself a winner will do wonders. Yeah, will do wonders.

Sara D. 39:59

It will tell me how uh a while back I was praying and I was like, God, you know, like I really need like a raise of this much, Lord. Like, I don't know how you're gonna do it, but I really need it, and so like, and then I let some time pass, and I was like, Okay, I just need to be appreciative for what I have. Like, you know, I'm making it, I'm not struggling, I just want more, so I'll be a little bit more comfortable. And I was sitting down with my wife, and she was like, Okay, let's look over the money, let's see where everything is going at, and all this stuff. So we look at it, and then we look at the discrepancy between like what I'm currently spending and the bills I'm paying. And she's like, Oh my gosh, like you have all of this money here that you're wasting on all this extra stuff, and somehow the amount of money that I was wasting added up to the amount of money that I wanted to increase in. And I was just like, This is hilarious.

Carmen Carnage 40:54

See, see, see, you had it, I'm telling you, it's so awesome. And then those stories, you know, some people hear the stories and think that we're making it up, but I promise you, it makes such a difference, and then it's almost like a wink knowing that what you prayed for, you got it. You didn't know you had it, but you already had it, you're already taken care of. I seen a pod on a podcast where I think it was Deontay Kyle, but he was talking about being grateful for what you have before you even asked for like a bigger thing. He's like, you know, people live in like a one-bedroom apartment and they want a house, but they're not even taking care of their one-bedroom apartment. Their one-bedroom apartment looks horrible. They got clothes everywhere, it's dirty, this, that, and the third, but you want a bigger house. You're not showing gratitude for what you have, so you end up blocking your blessing for what may be for you because you're showing you're not ready for it yet. So, even with that, being grateful for what you have literally will propel you for whatever the next elevation is. You just have to be grateful for that moment, and it makes a difference because I started doing those gratitude chants and just calling myself a winner. And then I'm telling you, even the shifts wouldn't work. I'm in a whole different field now, but I feel actually more cared for in this role than in my old role. I have a boss that literally will do anything to to make my role easier. I've never had a boss that's like, you let me know the barrier and I'll move it out the way right now. And I'm like, You you mean it right

Sara D. 42:30

I got one right now too!

Carmen Carnage 42:30

And it's like, what? It's that gratitude. It's that gratitude. You were grateful. And they said, you know what? Let's give you somebody that's got you back, you know, and then it just helps you become a better person, it helps them become a better person, it helps it just it. I'm telling you, it's a domino effect in all the right ways. It's almost like paying it forward, and it is something phenomenal because when you do it enough, then you wire your brain to where it's second nature. Now you don't even have to force yourself to be grateful, you're just grateful, you're just overjoyed, even when you look around and things look a little crazy. You look around, I do it. I have to monitor the news every day for work. I look and I'm like, whoa, these news stories are insane. But then I take a step back and I'm like, but my life is kind of alright right now. I'm kind of doing okay. And of course, you know, still be aware, but it's like when you have that gratitude, you almost live in your own little bubble, and not in a bad way, but it's like the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the coffee smells good, the food tastes amazing, and you just keep living. I don't I don't know how to describe it in a different way, but gratitude will take you a very, very long way, a very far way, for sure. A thousand percent.

Sara D. 43:58

It really will. So we're talking about gratitude, but let's look at it on the flip side of it. What helps you get through your hard days now?

Carmen Carnage 44:09

I when I have my roughest days, I do lean on, I have a small little network of friends. I would say probably like five. And it's weird because I talk to them each separately. Like we're not a group. But I don't know what I would do without all five of them because they are what helped me get out of those slumps. Um when my dad first got sick. Uh I couldn't comprehend it because it's more of a mental thing that he's doing. To be honest, it kind of ties into this. He has started to become so negative in his thinking that it quite literally is affecting his physical body. Like in and we're watching it, you know, he goes to the doctors, and the doctors are like, all his tests are fine, he's fine. Like he's we see him and he doesn't look fine, but they do blood work and everything, he's fine. He's he's fine. Um, but he's trapped in that negative loop. And it doesn't matter what we do, he's stuck in that negative loop, you know. So when this started to happen, I couldn't, I'm a very logical person, so I just could not connect the dots. And because I couldn't connect the dots, I start having more bad moments in my day because I'm sitting and I'm frantically trying to figure out how did it even get to this point, right? I don't know what I would do without my friends because it's not that they say, um, it's not that they have the answers. They just know exactly what to say to make me laugh and giggle and shift my focus just a little bit. We may have to come back to it, but they know just the just the joke to sprinkle in to make me laugh for a minute. And I do this thing where I cry when I laugh. I'll laugh, I'll cry a little bit, and then it's like okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. But they give me just enough to have that reset. And because I trust them, I love them, they know that I have their back, I know that they have my back, it's very easy for me to reach out to them when I'm in that moment. Years ago, I would have tried to navigate it by myself, but I was not my happiest self then. Because again, you can't do it all by yourself. So now, today, June 16th, 2026, if something bad happens, I'm I'm reaching out to one of those five. Hey, let me tell you what just happened. And then, like I said, nine times out of ten, they'll crack a joke about it, and then we can kind of get through it, or they might ask if I really want to talk about it. But that has been my savings grace for this year, especially this year, because I'm telling you, things start happening and I just couldn't understand it. So between dedicating Saturday to doing whatever I want to do and reaching out to that support system, it has been pivotal because the bad moments come. The bad moments come, but you have to find what your thing is to shake it up just a little bit. For some people, it's sitting with God and praying, talking, reading the Bible. For some people, it's reaching out to their peers. For some people, maybe it is a movie, but you have to find that thing to help you just kind of shift gears a little bit. Because what I do think is important is if you stay in it, again, using my dad as an example, if you keep yourself in that loop, it becomes harder and harder and harder to get out of that loop. And you yourself have to want to get out of that loop. So if you can catch it early on and lean in on those things that you have, or even experiment, I'm in a bad mood today. What's gonna cheer me up? If you can have that mindset of even trying to find something new to do, it makes a big difference.

Sara D. 48:00

Okay. I it's funny, it's not funny. Um you bringing up your father and how you have seen how his negative disposition has impacted his health is really relevant to the episode I recorded maybe a week ago or two days ago, or whatever. I think it's two episodes before this one um that I had where this woman was telling me that she believes that people can make themselves sick and they can make themselves well. And I was like, make themselves well, but uh maybe she's on to something, and maybe you're on to something too, because I don't know.

Carmen Carnage 48:37

I promise you, I uh I will share more outside of the podcast if you're interested. If you're interested, no, seriously, because I'm telling you, um, it it is in his mind, and it's not mental health, it's it's not you know that he's having a mental health episode, it's his thinking has got so negative, we almost don't even recognize who he is because he used to be a big man of faith, and even to the point where I asked him, I said, When's the last time you picked up your Bible? And he's like, Oh, it's gotten that far that we're not even, you know what I mean? But it's that loop, and then when you talk to him, Sara, he cannot tell you anything positive, nothing. He cannot tell you one positive thing anymore, and it's like he just got stuck, and you could it it is like literally eating his body, it's it's it's it is bizarre, okay. It's bizarre to watch, and it's very sad because it's my father. If you were a scientist or a sociologist like I am, it's fascinating to see because you're you're watching it in real time, you're watching the difference between, for example, I started my like gratitude journey and just trying to be happy to pay the bills and looking for the little things every day in the midst of COVID. I haven't been sick. It's six years post-COVID. I have not been sick, I'm not not a sniffle, nothing. And it's it's something about changing those again, mindset that does make you stronger in the mind that helps, or even going back to our religion class, um Buddhists believe that principle. You make your mind as strong as you can make it, and then by default, your heart and your body get stronger. But it starts with the mind. So if you're thinking those negative thoughts, you open the doorway for sickness and illness and all of that. But if you sharpen and strengthen your mind, the other things fall in line. It's incredible. I mean, yeah, anyways, yeah, it's incredible. And your other, your other guest is definitely onto something.

Sara D. 50:47

Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely. Yeah, oh my gosh, it's just so funny. It's not funny, but it's like, dang, like, who knew?

Carmen Carnage 50:57

If you hear it three more, like if you hear it one more time, it's true. You heard it once, you're heard it twice, you gotta hear it one more time. It's true, it's true.

Sara D. 51:06

Right. Uh, quick question. So I know we're wrapping up here, and I do want to ask you. I think I have one more question for you.

Carmen Carnage 51:15

Okay.

Sara D. 51:16

So, this is your opportunity. You can get on your soapbox, you got your little microphone. I'm gonna ask you, what would you tell someone who is waiting on their brighter days?

Carmen Carnage 51:27

I would tell them that brighter days are coming and it all matters on if they truly believe that it's coming. They have to sit and understand that even when things look grim, it's all in their head. If they can find just that sliver of light, that sliver of hope, and keep reaching towards it, it will come. But if they sit and they give up on themselves, it will not. It is very important that they have to believe that they can overcome whatever it is that they want to overcome. Every day they wake up, they open their eyes, they've won. They've won the day already. So move forward with that mindset, move forward with learning how to be authentically yourself, move forward in finding those genuine friends and connections, and understand that if you can train your mind, as cheesy as it sounds, if you can train your mind to see one good thing in the day, one turns to three, turns to 10, turns to 20, and it will overflow. But you have to, you have to almost find the discipline because it's not easy. I think a lot of people think that it's just an easy, oh, I'll just be grateful today. No, no, no. You have to train yourself, you have to train yourself to look for those things until it becomes second nature, and when you can do that, you're ahead of the game. Guaranteed.

Sara D. 53:11

Man, I have learned so much just from talking to you, and it's so interesting because we haven't spoken in years, like decade almost. Wait, wait, wait, maybe longer. Yeah, but I have learned so much, you're so insightful, and I can really appreciate your life experiences and how your social work has allowed you to see so much and learn so much and even grow so much as a person.

Carmen Carnage 53:45

Thank you. I went through I got out the mud, girl. No, I'm just kidding.

Sara D. 53:52

Yeah, I'm just so I'm so elated with this conversation. I feel like I'm on like a high buzz right now. Um

Carmen Carnage 53:59

Keep it going, keep it going.

Sara D. 54:00

I can't wait to go to sleep and wake up in the morning and be like, you are a victor. You have won.

Carmen Carnage 54:05

I'm telling you, I'm telling you. And then if you want to add a little extra off, do it in the mirror. Look at yourself in the mirror, like, girl, you got it. You're a winner, you're a winner. You woke up today, you're a win. I'm telling you, it boosts you up, and then you go into the day feeling like you can take on anything. It's so silly, but it's so powerful. It really is.

Sara D. 54:28

Yeah, it truly is. This has been a wonderful conversation, and I am just so grateful to you. I thank you for giving me your time. I thank you for helping in whatever way you help. And I just thank you so much for who you are as a person. I feel like I see you and I appreciate you. So thank you.

Carmen Carnage 54:49

Thank you so much for having me on. I appreciate it. It's been a blast. Thank you.

Sara D. 54:54

Yeah, and if you're looking for me, I'm easily found. I have an Instagram and I have a TikTok. It is Brighter Days Podcast. That's uh brighter d A Z E podcast. And I also have a Facebook page, Brighter Days with Sarah. And I also have an old school email, ask the number four brighterdaze at gmail.com. Um, and that's ASKNumber4 BrighterDaze D-A-Z-E at gmail.com. And yeah, reach out to me and talk to me about some things we spoke about in this episode with Carmen. Let me know what you're saying to yourself to encourage yourself when your day starts, or if you've learned the difference in life between having a negative outlook and a positive outlook. What are some victories that you've encountered? What brings you joy? What brings you that childlike joy that you used to have? Write me. I would love to hear from you. And if you're listening from Apple or Spotify, please leave a review. And I hate to say goodbye, but I'll have to talk to you all next week. So I'll be around and I hope you will be too. Later, Everyone.

Outro 55:53

Always will be better days. Always will be better days. Always will be better days. Always will be better days. Always will be better days,make the better days right now.